"nothing in this world happens by chance."

i believe that i was first introduced to the concept of fate around the time i was in fourth grade.  perhaps it was earlier, but i just cannot remember.  but i've always sort of grappled with this idea, wondering if we actually do control our actions or if we are just some puppets on a string in this show called life.  

but my name is kendra and i think that i believe more in my controlling my life.

call me a control freak if you must.

perhaps i believe that i have a bit of control over what happens in my life because i dont really have any organized form of religion, something to give my 'control' to.  i believe in myself and perhaps that is the only form of 'god' that i need. 

(for those of you believers out there, i am not trying to compare myself to your 'god' or sound superior in any way.  this is just an atheist/agnostic expressing herself.  you can always hit the close box if you deem it necessary...)

i think back on my life six months ago.  june 16, 2008.  exactly six months ago.  im not sure what i was doing.  i know i was in the last week of my tefl class, but the supporting details are a blur.  a relationship was ending, i was exhausted, a sea of opportunity awaited.  and i had no idea where to turn or what to do.  

then i got a job teaching japanese kids.  and then i got a job teaching conversation at my old esl school.  and then i got a job in korea.  and here is where i, again, struggle with the fate vs. control issue.  the japanese job landed in my lap.  i got an email one day offering me this job.  a thousand bucks for a week of teaching?  of course i will take that.  (fate: 1.  control: 0)

i opted to live in madison and work at the bar.  i needed a place to stay, so i checked to see if i could live in the esl dorms.  i found a home.  (fate: 1.  control: 1)

then the director of the esl school found out i was living in the dorms and offered me a conversation job.  (fate: 2.  control: 1)

then i got a job in korea.  this was due to my ambition, my drive, my finding it and applying and interviewing and dealing with all the visa bullshit.  there was no way that fate could come in on this one.  (fate: 2.  control: 2)

or could it?  due to some details i will not mention on the internet, i ended up working at a different school than the one i was originally supposed to be at.  and it is all the better and i know that i am much happier now than i would have been.  (fate: 3.  control: 2.)

so now i wonder, after seeing this tally staring me in the face, do i really have control of my life?  i began this by saying that i thought that i have control over my life, who i am, what i become.  but fuck, do i?

hmmmm...

maybe when we try to control things and put ourselves in situations that we feel would benefit us, fate will step in and things will work out.  we mustn't try to control it all, but perhaps we shouldn't be nonchalant about our lives and just 'let it all work itself out.'  maybe this is the answer to my prattling.  if i put myself in a situation that i want to be in, the details will work themselves out.  

"nothing in this world happens by chance."  or does it?

perhaps the answer will come to me while i get my beauty rest.