the seoul of pussycat: ET ph9ne home

the above should read 'ET phone home, but as my right ring finger is bandaged up to be the size of a large carrot, i cannot properly type, forcing me to use the hunt and peck method of typing, at least with my right hand.

i had surgery today.

i could not bear the pain of this blasted ingrown nail, so i looked up dermatologists in seoul. i found one a few subway stops away, called for an appointment, and made my way down.

i hate going to the doctor.

i really hate going to the doctor in korea. (or any foreign country, for that matter)

you are a number at the clinic here. you take a number from a little automatic machine, much like you would take a number at the bakery department in an american grocery store. i showed up much earlier than my appointment, hoping to get in early. i waited about 40 minutes, nervously trying to read my copy of the new yorker that i picked up yesterday in itaewon. i was called in. i pulled off my bandaid and the doctor said, 'ew, thats infected, you need antibiotics.'

please, tell me something i dont already know. perhaps you could tell me that i am tall while you are at it.

i asked if the nail needed to be cut out. he said yes and made a call to the fourth floor. i was escorted up there by a tiny little nurse. i waited a few minutes and then the hell broke loose. i went into a doctor's office. he looked at my puss-y finger (i cant write pussy, it looks like a naughty word. is something filled with puss also spelled like a, er, cat?) and then left the room. he returned with a tiny pair of tweezers and gauze. he then proceeded to dig into the side of my finger. i nearly screamed. on the verge of tears, i pulled my finger away, asking for something to get numb. all i could think was, 'you son of a bitch. motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker.' (this was not the day to give up swearing.)

i was then told that i would need antibiotics and ointment and that i would have a procedure done. i was told to wait in the waiting r00m, where i paid (30 bucks, not too bad for a procedure), and then was escorted to a small room. i was in the 'laser area.' all around me, people were getting acne scars and blemishes lasered away, while i succumbed to the pain of getting skin burned off. he gave me a local anesthetic, thank god. i begged him for as much as was possible. he asked if i felt pain in the tip of my finger. i said, 'yes, give me more!' he obliged (bless him) and then the fun began. his nurse was called in and he said, 'suction,' and she turned on a big machine that can only be described as making the sound of a hoover. if only vacuuming br0ught this much pleasure. i curled my toes up, clenched my teeth, turned to the left, and squeezed my eyeballs tightly closed. i forced myself to think of a beautiful face to keep my mind from thinking, 'oozing puss-y bloody open sore.' it smelled like burned skin in no time, one smell that i am all too familiar with...

it was done quickly. i believe that i will go down in yooskin clinic as the wimpy american with dirty nails. i was told to press down on the gauze for five minutes. the nurse came in later to bandage me up. by this time the fucking anesthetic was wearing off and i could feel the open flesh. delicious. she bandaged me up with a good roll of gauze and tape. and it was so hygienic, she didn't even wear gloves. the clinic clearly cannot afford to after one uses that much gauze and tape on me. i was partly bandaged inside the room and then was finished off in the lobby, where a man spoke english on a telephone. he had white cream all over his face. it was covered in saran wrap. im assuming he had some sort of laser treatment. he seemed like a pompous asshole whom i wanted to punch. getting such vain treatments while i suffer through getting finger skin lasered off.

all i could really think was, 'christ, i should be in here for botox, not my bloody finger.'

i went to the pharmacy to pick up my drugs. i called carla to whine and then got on the subway. luckily i had brought mittens with, so i could disguise my enormous right ring finger. i wondered if i could sit in the handicapped and old person seats. does a swollen finger count?