hangul: i suck it like a hooker sucks a you-know-what.

bloody hell.

learning korean is a motherfucker.

i have green post-its devoted to consonants.  i have purple post-its devoted to vowels.  it is a mess of green and purple and my yelling, ' what the fuck!'

i've also recently decided to re-learn spanish.  and to juggle.  i feel like im back in college, although, i would imagine hangul (also known as scribble drawing to me) and spanish and juggling are much more enjoyable.  and i am doing it only because i am telling myself that i have to, not because i am getting graded (whew, i would fail hangul over and over again).  i actually do want to learn to juggle and to speak spanish again.  hangul: that is out of necessity, cuz i live in korea.  i have lived here for three and a half months and have finally gotten my lazy ass into learning the korean alphabet.

blah blah blah.  at least my post-its are pretty.

wtf.

frozen air surrounds your eyes

oh contemplative self, please be silent.

after a rather lovely lunar new year's day with good friends, good food, and good films (some may agree, darling, with my thorough enjoyment of tom green), i felt a sudden strange anxiety.  i whipped around my apartment, cleaning and organizing, trying to remember everything that needed to be done, creating a to-do list for tomorrow, pondering the source of my craze.  i stepped out on my balcony for a few moments, trying to gather myself, as i quite detest when i feel at unease.  

like the global economy, i am in a transition period.  done with uni and working halfway around the world, i search for the words to describe what i feel.  there really are none.  a chapter of my life has closed and i am somewhat anticipating what will occur next.  this is not like me.  i am a 'let's live in the moment/walt whitman' kind of girl.  i have been in korea for three and a half months, yet i am beginning to itch to leave.  not because it is bad, not because i dislike it, but because this is who i am.  i do not like to let myself get too comfortable in a place, preferring to scare the hell out of myself, experiencing all that i can.  

i had a lovely chat with a good friend today.  he is experiencing what i felt last year; the not knowing what will happen next, the 'what do i do oh my god im graduating college and can do what i want but what do i do with myself' anxiety.  it sucked, but now i am feeling a bit milder form of the same thing.  and so i wonder, does this ever go away?  does one eventually just stop wondering what is next, thinking 'this is it,' and live the rest of one's days knowing that each will be like the one before?

and then suddenly, all i wanted was to talk to one person.  one person that i used to talk to in depth about this sort of thing.  quite bizarre, really, as i haven't spoken to this person on a phone in months, hardly online, either, since ive been in korea.

strange.  living abroad is weird.  the highs are so high and really quite frequent, but then there are the not so high times when you just sit back, stare at the flame of a candle, and wonder 'what the fuck am i doing?'

what the fuck will i do?

je ne sais pas.  et je ne vais jamais savoir, parce que tous les temps, tous les choses, tous changent.  je change.

my january treat to myself

really dope dj headphones.

the real big ones.  i will not be able to hear a single person on the bus or subway or in the street.  no hearing koreans prattle on into their cell phones.  just me and my hip-hop and trance.  i reckon i will look quite interesting in business clothes with big ass headphones on.  haha with my uggs on under my dress pants.  so classy.

getting said headphones was a bit of a challenge.  i have checked out the apple store by my work, but they didn't have the best selection of big dope headphones (as i have officially dubbed them).  i remembered the electronics market at yongsan, and after work today, i gathered up my courage and headed that way.  

no let me tell you about yongsan.  it is like walking through a state fair with carnies yelling at you every five seconds to come play their game.  except at yongsan, they're yelling at you to come buy their cameras and ipods and stereos, oh my.  they each know about ten words of english, so when they see a western face, they immediately bring out the, 'hello, nice products here, hello, hello...'  i walk by.  i keep my ipod on, avoid eye contact, and make my way past them, only using my peripheral vision to see if i should stop at a booth to check out their goods.  i had seen some big sony headphones on the internet and wanted to check them out in person.  i found them, but couldn't actually try them on.  sorry, but im not dropping a couple hundred thousand won on something i can't take out of the fucking box.

so i mosey-ed on.  i forced myself to not feel pressured to buy anything.  i decided to just look.  and then i found a booth dedicated to only headphones.  headphones you could actually try on!

i saw the sonys and gave them a spin.  not bad.  i gave them the old fergie/jay-z/tiesto test.  then i saw them, the big denon pro dj headphones.  sick.  absolutely sick.

they spoke to me.  

i took a spin around that floor of yongsan, weighing my options, pondering ways of justifying spending the money.  i justified that i was putting in plenty of overtime and plenty of interview hours.  i bought them.

bad bad kendra.

but hey, i needed a treat.  i have one student whom i want to throw out of the window on a daily basis.  this student is by far the weirdest human being (can i even call 'it' that?) i have ever met.

four more days of this session.

there has never been anything false about hope.

i woke up this morning at 4 am in order to search for a audio or video file of obama's inauguration speech to share with some of my higher-level classes.  i found an audio file, put it on my ipod, and called it a day.  i was tired.  i was crabby, knowing that i would have to face the most annoying class i have ever taught in just a short amount of time.  i did not really think about the fact that america has a new president.

i was stressed at work.  i was a shit teacher yesterday and it had overlapped with this morning.  i felt as though my personal life was falling apart.  it was just one of those days...

i played the audio for my first class.  the reactions were strange.  some students seemed interested; others seemed to think that suicide was a better option than coming to class.  i asked what their reactions were.  the majority of the class seemed to have the attitude that they would not be directly impacted and therefore, did not really appear to care.  i felt like i had to justify myself, why i thought that this was a pivotal moment in history, why this actually would impact them directly.

i guess that living in america for eight years with this biggest leader of corruption in the free (and not free) world makes one care, makes one hopeful that things can be different for the states and for the world.  i was offended by my students and their lack of interest.  maybe it was just that it was 7 am.  i was asked my opinion about hillary clinton and why i thought that obama had won.  it was an interesting question for me, as i have not thought about hillary's run for the democratic candidacy for months.  she was out, obama was in, that was history.  at least no one opted to tell me that john mccain should have won.  i think i would have ended class early had that happened.

some of my later classes asked if i was tired, if i had stayed up to watch the speech.  i had not.  i felt guilty, like a bad american, for not staying up to witness this moment in history.  i began thinking about this after work tonight, as i watched the 45 minute version of the nbc nightly news.  it was tonight that i wished i had been in america.  it is the first time in years that i wish i had been home, with americans, feeling the vibe, the celebration, of something really extreme.  i think it would have been the first time since 9/11 that i actually felt so much feeling, so much emotion.  but being in korea is strange.  no one really celebrated it.  no one really got it.  i feel like i missed out on something great.  i probably would not have been in dc for the actual celebration, but being in america, with americans with a common ground would have been pretty unique.  

but all is not lost.  as i watched the news, i felt patriotic.  i feel truly proud to be an american.  i told one of my classes that i used to say that i was canadian or british (although people tend to like americans just less than they like brits), that i actually worried about my safety while working for the government while i was in paris.  now i feel ok about saying im american.  i feel like we actually stand for something now.  the last eight years were stagnant, blah, grey, dull.  now it's like the clouds are opening, possibility is trickling in, people can be optimistic again.  positivity has come back, but it is mixed with reality.  i really am pretty hopeful for the next few years.  i will not stay away for four years.  i do not feel like i have to.  i somewhat look forward to going back to the states (yes, lana, close your mouth now, i said it).

yes, we can.

gotta getta gimmick.

juggling.

for those those days when students suck and don't want to listen or talk, i will bring out my juggling balls (or board markers) and have a go at it to entertain them.  my job: be an entertainer.  yes, i teach.  but i am expected to entertain, as well.  can i entertain?  um, have i ever told you the dog or throw-up on my couch stories?  or the most mortifying sexual tale?  i will not go as far as regaling my students with sexual escapades, but i am not above telling them some entertaining personal tales.  and the best part is the fabrication of the tales.  one becomes quite good at adding necessary details that seemingly have slipped from one's brain.  i am not an advocate of lying, but the little white lies that make no difference to a level three korean student that may provide for greater enjoyment and amazement of one's teacher are no sin to me.

but sometimes stories can only get you so far.  you must imagine the asshole throwing up on my couch.  but juggling, you do not need to imagine.  

and juggling is keeping me sane in this insane month of many hours of work.  you have to forget about all the bullshit in your life, breathe, and with great control, throw those balls.

and no, i am not above taking a sexual picture with balls.  there are three of them.  what did you expect, really?

id like my vogue with a nice side of b.o.

i was thoroughly enjoying reading the january issue of vogue that my mum so graciously mailed to me, along with other treasures, when an interesting smelling man sat next to me.  i can handle cologne.  i can handle perfume.  i think i could even handle body odor.  all of these things are distinguishable, you know what you are getting.  but this man just smelled odd.  quite funky, really.  he was wearing clean clothing and did not appear to be sweating.  he was holding a plastic bag on his lap, so i pondered if he had a weird roast chicken or something in there.  looking through the transparent plastic, all i could make out were items from a drugstore, perhaps face wash or toothpaste.  no funky chicken.  

i chuckled to myself, as just yesterday, i was teaching my students how to give advice using 'should' and 'ought to.'  one of the scenarios i gave them was 'my colleague sits next to me and smells really bad.  what should i do?'  

if only i knew how to translate their advice into korean.

GO OBAMA!!!!

ask a korean and you shall receive.

every time that i go to starbucks in korea, i see their in-house mugs.  i covet them.  i want one.  every time i ask them if i can buy one, they say that they are for in-house drinks only.  they have starbucks mugs to purchase, but they only have the signature starbucks logo.  the in-house cups have hangul writing on them.

what better souvenir than a hangul korean starbucks cup?

good luck getting one.  the starbucks girls are like nazis.

but when one is in such a predicament, theft is always an option.

no, i did not steal a starbucks cup.  i am not above stealing bar glasses in the states, as that is my country and i know how to deal with american people if i get caught.  i will not steal coffee cups in korea, as i do not know how to deal with korean people if i get caught.  

i may be above stealing cups, but i am not above telling my students that i will love them forever if they steal me a cup.  i have told several students that i am in hot pursuit of said cup.  i finally told the right person...

as i finished my level five class this morning, sunny, a lovely man in his thirties, reached into his bag and pulled out my starbucks cup.  every class within a two or three room radius of my class could hear me yell, 'THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!"

nothing makes a teacher happy like a stolen cup.  well, except, maybe a stolen cup full of americano.

one side of the cup says, in hangul, 'for in store use only.'  the other says something about starbucks being a creative place.  haha, not so creative that one can jack a cup from their store.

this incident reminds me of my first month of classes in korea.  i asked a class of students how to find an electronics store.  they asked me what i needed, i said 'a dvd player,' and then one student said, 'no, i have one at home, i will bring it for you.'

i have been brought prescription drugs when throwing up like a mad woman.  i can only wonder what they would do if i said i needed a box of tampons or condoms.

probably blush.

the hat saga finally has ended...

now foxy can feel...fisher-y?

the noraebang that did me hard.

i am no longer a virgin.  wait, kendra, you were a virgin?

jigga what?

let me rephrase this.

i am no longer a karaoke virgin.

had you asked me six months ago what i would not do, i would have said karaoke.  i will do just about anything, but karaoke is not one of those any things.

until last night.  i began my night back at school for trivia night.  it was quite enjoyable drinking dutch and chinese beers in the office.  four beers and i was drunk.  the drunker i got, the smarter i did not get.  i think i need to start doing crossword puzzles.  i think i just might be dumb.

after trivia night, we made our way to a local watering hole.  after an hour or so, we made our way to one of korea's fineries: the noraebang.  known as a singing room, the noraebang is where one goes with friends to sing karaoke.  it is basically karaoke in front of your friends, which, depending on how you look at it, could be more or less embarrassing than doing karaoke in front of complete strangers.  the first song was 'dancing queen.'  i was drunk and full of energy, so i grabbed a mic and went to town, complete with 70s dancing moves.  i didn't sing too many songs, but i did add a lovely melody with the tambourine...

i bounced around 3:30 and grabbed a taxi home.  i stumbled into the 7/11 for gatorade and food, settling for a tube of pringles, although i would have preferred a big slice of mac 'n cheese pizza or a big veggie pita from the parthenon.  nothing beats madisonian drunk food.  oh the parthenon, what a fun night that was.

i woke up early this morning, britney spear's 'womanizer' stuck in my head, although it was more of a rendition by marc that was stuck in my brain, rather than actual britney.  i didn't feel too hungover and forced myself to have a dance party with britney and fergie to sweat out my hangover.  i eventually left my house to pick up a few groceries for the week.

as i left my house, clad in leggings and shorts, sweatshirt, and ugg boots (i was a posterchild for american apparel), hair pulled back and little makeup, i realized that i really needed a slightly hungover day, a day in which one does not feel guilty for being a total slug.  when im hungover, even just a bit, i don't give a fuck about anything, don't care what i look like or how i smell or that i dont speak korean.  i went to thefaceshop to pick up some nail polish and mascara and didn't give a damn that i asked the woman questions in english, never even attempting to finagle some sort of korean words out.  the man at crown bakery asked me something about going to hansungdae, but i just smiled and said, 'i dont know.'  

ignorance can be so blissful.

i passed the rest of my day watching 'mamma mia' (i was highly disappointed...it's not possible to see the show on broadway and then see the movie version and be pleased) and showering and being really quite the worthless piece of cow dung.  

i did get down to fergie for awhile.  she rocks.  

ill give you two guesses what my next noraebang songs will be...

i know what you are, babay...

just like a star across my sky

i went out with my 4 - 6 pm class tonight.  two lovely korean ladies, both in their 30s, but could easily pass for 25.  it is my two hours of korean sex and the city.  more city, less sex.  but nonetheless entertaining.

'you know, it takes me an hour and a half to get here.  but i love it.  i love coming to this class.  it's worth the time it takes to get here.'

there is nothing better that a teacher can hear besides that.  

i feel the same way.  the days that i have that class, im at work from 6:30 am to 6 pm.  im exhausted by the time that class ends.  but it's not work.  it's fun.  i'm kickin it with my girlfriends.  i can't believe i get paid for some of these classes.  it's not work.  it's too enjoyable to be work.

every session tends to begin a bit rocky as everyone gets to know one another and become comfortable in class, making mistakes, adjusting to the new environment.  but then they let their guard down, becomes friends, and by the tenth or so day of the session, bonds have been created.  the sessions end the same; with me not wanting to let go of that month's students, not wanting to start up new bonds with a whole new group of students.  the cycle continues.  and such is life.  it is so sweet.

show me how pretty the world is.

life rocks.

i woke up at 4:15, waiting for my alarm to go off at 4:30.  i tried to go back to sleep, quite unsuccessfully.  i got up, showered, got ready for work.  i left at 5 to 6, stopping at the 7/11 across the way to grab some cans of starbucks to keep me awake through the long day i faced.  it was long, for sure, but it ended on a really high note.  my morning classes were a bit rocky, but as the day progressed, it improved.  i showed one of my two-hour afternoon classes 'the sixth sense.'  we have been discussing mysteries and paranormal phenomena, so i thought a nice movie day would be a good change of pace.  i ran out during my lunch break to pick up snacks and coke.  as i started that class, explaining a grammar point from yesterday briefly, two students from that class rushed in with two big bags of snacks.  an older gentleman in that class gave the girls money to pick up snacks for class.  we had a lovely little party.  it made us all seem more human.  i wasn't a teacher.  they weren't students.  we were just people, enjoying a movie and lots of junk food.  it was a much needed break for everyone.

i finished my nine hours of teaching with a wonderful two hour class that is more like a scene from sex and the city.  two or three upper level students, all female and in their early 30s, come to chat with me about whatever they decide is important for that day.  we have discussed shoes, clothing, hair, politics, education systems, perceptions of foreigners, the list goes on.  i always bring discussion questions, in case the ladies feel a bit tired and uninspired.  i have yet to pull them out.  

i received two lovely packages in the mail today.  thank you, both, you know who you are.  mmmm cookies.  and lion bars!!!!

walking home from the bus stop, i realized how happy i felt.  i am over my bloody stomach illness, classes are going well, and even though it is damn chilly out, my heart feels all warm and lovely.  i stopped to say hello to ji-young and her family (she's my biggest fan) and was greeted with a smile and wave and rush to the door to give me a hug (or twenty).  she is 27 and another big sister for me.  

i love positive energy.  it is so infectious.  the world does not have enough ji-youngs in it.

"i never thought that i could be who i am

i never thought that i could see where i was

i never thought that all this was just wasn't me

i always thought all this was could never be

i never thought that i could be who i am

i never thought that i could see where i was

i never thought that all this was wasn't me, wasn't me now..."

if you want it, come and get it.

i was pondering something tonight while on the phone with a lovely person.  when was the last time that i was a truly raging bitch?  i told so-called lovely person that if i was ever a huge bitch, i should be fed, given coffee, go to sleep, or exercise.  or maybe have sex.  perhaps not in that order.  but regardless, there are simple human elements that i need in order to be even-keel.  i meet these basic needs (is sex considered basic?  that may be higher on maslow's hierarchy), i am happy.  lovely person said he could not imagine me as a huge bitch.  

i said it was possible.

but then i tried to think of the last time i have been a huge bitch.  strange, i haven't been one since i've been in korea.  strange cuz i have no clue what is going on half the time.  yet i don't care.  i'm not sure i could adapt back to american culture now, being able to understand every conversation, every subtle nuance.  it would be like that one time in amsterdam, at the van gogh museum, when everything seemed to speed up and i had spiderwebs surrounding my body.  i think i would start twitching if i was back in america, not sure which conversation to eavesdrop on first.

it's really quite nice gliding through a sea of people speaking a language that you do not (nor really care to) understand.  the simplicity of it all is beautiful.  me and my thoughts and an ipod that i can control.  

no silly coasties saying 'oh my gawd' or that they would like a 'vawdka tawnic.'  

alas, i digress.  back to my point (or lack thereof) about the last time i was a bitch.  i mean a royal biatch.  perhaps this summer.  i had a few too many cigs this summer.  stress was high, my life seemed to have turned to shit, i was lost.  now i feel a bit more found, much less stressed, very positive.  the effervescence that seemed to disappear from my soul for a couple long years during college seems to have returned.  korea is fast and chaotic, yet i can come home and be still, be calm, just be.  it's a really lovely feeling being removed from my old life, no one directing this ship except me.  if i want to go to bed at 8:30, i can.  i am an old woman at 23, but damn, nothing beats 8 1/2 hours of sleep.

bedtimes rule.

and didn't i say one thing that prevents a bitchy pussycat is sleep?

cheeky.

happy new year pictures...

aren't you jealous?  nothing like getting a fucking catheter put in you on new years eve.  at least my nails look nice.  (and that is mj and her brother...they saved my life.)

the brutal honesty of a beauty-obsessed culture.

"kendra, what happened?  you have four pimples."

thanks, yahoo.  (yes, his name is yahoo.)  perhaps i have gotten used to people NOT describing your flaws in full detail TO YOUR FACE, but in korea, no holds barred.  i've heard of other students telling teachers that they looked like they had gained weight.  i had a weird scab on my chin for a few days; my students deemed it necessary to ask what had happened (i avoided the real truth).  i have never been told that i look like shit, but i have been asked why i am dressed up on particular days.  do i have a date?  no, but are you saying that i normally look like rubbish?  perhaps i will be told that i need to get plastic surgery, and if so, the name of a good surgeon.

i haven't decided if this bluntness is a cultural thing or something that is lost in translation and comes out wrong, harsher than was meant.  

needless to say, one's day will not start off on a happy note after being asked what is wrong with one's face.

i went to the poste during my break, wishing i had some sort of oral relief.  something strong.  i settled for a can of starbucks.  

my day was long.  9 hours of teaching leaves me dead tired and not wanting to do shit.  pay day will be sick next month.  

my students told me to never cut my fingernails at night.  if you cut them at night, mice will come and eat them and they will steal your happiness.  

i was also told of an urban legend similar to the kidney thief story that is so popular in the states.  a young man sees an old woman struggling to do something, maybe lift furniture or plant a big tree.  he helps her, and to show her appreciation, she offers him a beverage, that has been conveniently spiked to knock him out.  he wakes up a few hours later in an unknown place, with his arm cut off.  gangs have seized him and cut off his arm.  they will control him and he will work as a paralyzed bum on the street, with the gangs mooching off of his earnings.  

watch out for little old ladies.  they are dangerous.

there is another urban legend here, one much more well-known than the arm thief.  it is called 'fan death.'  wait, this is not an urban legend...just ask my students who ALL believe in this.  if you leave a fan on in your room while you sleep without having a window open, YOU WILL DIE.  i've been told that the fan will suck out all of the oxygen in the room.  i've also been told that a fan will make the body too cold and you will die because of cold.  i'm not sure what kind of fans koreans use, but i think you would have a better chance of death by keeping the refrigerator open at night and making that your new bed.

my students were adamant that this was real.  i then stressed that everyone who spoke about this tale used the words, 'ive heard...'  yes, we've all heard that my friend's cousin's mother's brother's best friend's child's school-teacher's dogwalker has had her kidneys stolen after an overly indulgent night out.  heard: the operative word in the previous statement.

koreans.  they're just as out there as americans.

"i'm an aiesecer"

i was in my level four intensive con class today.  we were in the second hour of class, discussing first impressions of people in 2s and 3s.  i was listening to what one group was saying...and then i saw it: a cell phone with a little white dangly decoration that had 'i'm an aiesecer' written on it.  i looked at my student and said, 'are you in aiesec?'  she looked at me, surprised, and said, 'yes, do you know aiesec?'  'YES!  i was in it for three semesters!  how long have you been in it?'  'three years.'

wow.  three years.  twice the amount of time i was in it.  amazing she hasn't been kicked out yet.

she seems pretty innocent, though.  not like her crazy teacher.

regardless of my feelings for national staff and the way that i parted from aiesec, it was really cool to meet an aiesecer, completely out of any aiesec-related context, on the other side of the world.  it wasn't about what either of us had done during our time in aiesec, just that we shared a similar wish for the world.  it reminded me of why i'm in korea, why i chose to push myself to do something new and, at times, really fucking scary.

make the world your comfort zone.

period.

perhaps the kindest letter i have ever received...

"Dear. My friend Kendra-

I would like to wish you a happy new year though I am sorry I couldn't say this earlier.

All our family really enjoyed the chocolates that you'd presented and it really made us happy.  It was so delicious.  Thank you again for your chocolates.  And I am sorry that my gift for you couldn't delivered to you in time.  However, I hope that you accept it with pleasure.

I am so pleased to get to know you and I am so grateful as well.  You're such a lovable and nice friend of mine.  Every single greetings with you surely makes our family so happy and it offers a strength to us as well.

I would like to have more conversations with you and do together with you.  I am so sorry that my english is not good enough to do those things with you.  However, I am still glad that I feel the same way with you.

How do you feel now that you have been in Korea for the past two years?

All I hope is that you stay happy and joyous while you're in Korea and with our family.  In case you have any troubles or anything you need to ask us, please don't hesitate to come to me.  And just be informed that I am alright all the time.  And remember that I always support you.  May all my love and blessings be with you.

2009.01.05

From, Ji Young"

i will treasure this forever.  :)

alone within myself again.

i feel defeated.  im tired.  i had a bad day.  not a bad day in the sense that something really bad happened, but just kinda blah.  i have upper level students this month, which is a big change from the low levels.  im not used to being able to just talking with students and now i feel unprepared and don't know what to talk to my students about.  and when i think they know what im talking about, they stare at me blankly, much like the level ones.  i felt like i would throw up for most of the day, so im not quite sure what is going on with my body.  i haven't been able to eat normal food for close to a week.  at least three weeks of overtime til i get a couple days off.

and im feeling a bit lonesome.  im surrounded by students and coworkers while im at school, and i really love a lot of them.  but its not the same as being with those whom you really know and love, and whom really know and love you.  it's hard to move across the world and feel one hundred percent all the time.  so i let myself be blue for awhile.  and then i go to sleep, knowing that it can only go up from here. 

that certainly was the case with my stomach, although it appears that my stomach situation is plateauing.  

blah blah i hate when i get all melancholic.

fatigue makes cowards of us all.

life's a dance we all have to do.

my weekend was spent quite lazily, besides the four hours of saturday classes i signed up for.  classes were good and went relatively quickly.  i still wasn't feeling 100% yesterday, so i elected to lay around and watched movies and sleep all day.  today was more of the same, only leaving around noon to pick up some groceries for the week.  my boss gave me '30 rock,' and i am nearly finished with season one.  it is quite entertaining, but more so, i feel like i just need to finish it up and give it back.  two more episodes.  in the last episode that i watched tonight, i recognized an actress.  it bothered me for about ten minutes before i realized who she was...

frances from the pere lachaise scene in 'paris, je t'aime.'  this led me to search for this clip on youtube, which then led me to watch my other favorite clips from said film.  and then the paris reminiscing began, which led me to search for plane tickets to cdg, along with paris apartment rentals for the month of june, july, or august.  which led me to wonder if i could just go there tomorrow.

nah, i dont think bondy would be too happy if i called in from cdg.  

i really like korea, but it doesn't have that je ne sais quoi that paris does.  i feel no drive to learn korean, preferring to perfect my french, and even re-learn spanish and italian.  europe is calling.  i dont know if ill be able to work in korea for two years.  all i know is that i cannot really plan anything because i haven't lived in the same place for more than eight months in the last three or four years.  i get the itch to move around a lot, to see new cultures, to live in new places.  i dont really like to travel places for a week or two.  i like to live there for a few months to absorb the culture without feeling stressed.  im gradually absorbing korea.  but my body yearns for france, for the sweet succulent wines and cheeses and crepes and, oh, mon dieu, j'ai besoin d'arreter.  c'est trop pour mon coeur maintenant.

and this is me, thinking about paris...nothing but sourires and funky french fingernails.

i can see a silver lining...

i felt as though i would nearly throw up in my first two classes today.  if only i could say it was because i had disgustingly ugly students...  i still felt pretty under the weather when my blasted alarm went off at 4:48 this morning (earlier than normal, had to get to school early to prep for the first day of classes).  i forced myself to eat some cereal and drink my normal amount of coffee.  perhaps it was the coffee on my raw stomach or the weird gooey stuff i have to slurp out of a pouch before i eat, but i was not feeling too hot for the first bit of my day.  nonetheless, my classes went well and i have really lovely students.

when i entered mj's class, everyone cheered, yelled my name, and threw their arms in the air.  it was really quite a welcome into class.  i love being their conversation teacher.  there is a girl in there who i interviewed last week.  she was just precious when i interviewed her and i really hoped that i would be her teacher.  when her partner got to introducing her, i asked the girl if i had taught her before.  she reminded me that i had interviewed her.  then it all clicked.  her bright, bubbly, smiling face could light up the darkest of rooms.  

my other classes went pretty well, and as the day progressed, i began to feel less and less like i would throw up.  granted, i didnt really eat much of anything again today.  i realize i have a little extra padding i could manage to lose, but this isn't exactly the most desirable way to lose it.  oh well, i have a pair of uber sexy skinny jeans ive been trying to squeeze into lately.  i feel like the weird redhead girl in devil wears prada who says, 'i only have two more stomach flus until my goal weight.'  except id prefer to be normal size than only be able to eat a pack of bloody saltine crackers and an apple.  

i watched an episode of sex and the city tonight, trying to get inspiration for a lesson on regrets im prepping for tomorrow.  three words: new york pizza.  all i could think about was the night i was in nyc, out with richard, wasted off of ketel one, eating the most delicious cheese pizza i have ever consumed in my life and in my dreams.  did i make out with richard that night?  did i?

too much ketel.

i was walking to the subway station this evening after a lovely class of three ladies who love to chat away.  i needed to put more money on my bus pass and was kinda tired, yet i had a smile on my face.  my stomach didnt hurt too bad and i finally was starting to feel like myself.  after three days of feeling like shit, i needed something happy in my life.  im pretty even keel and when i feel out of it for a couple days, i start to worry what's wrong with me.  so when i started to feel happy again, i knew i was on the upswing.  im back and fighting.

so there may not be much lining in my stomach left, but there is a silver lining, actually, several of them.  if i hadn't gone to the hospital, i would have probably gotten better in a few days, none the wiser that my stomach was jacked up, only eating more kimchi until i got an ulcer.  i became closer with one of my students and got to meet an incredible family, one that im truly grateful for and do not know what i would have done without.  i stopped taking my health for granted.  i am 23, yes, which is rather young, but 23 is not 18, not 16.  i cannot just live without thinking, without questioning the impact that my choices will have on my body.  i have gotten the craziness out of my life, i did plenty of that in college.  and this whole incident made me realize how good i really have it, and that things can get really bad.  but when shit goes wrong, you pick yourself up and keep on walking.  because at least i have my legs and can still walk.  i may not have my stomach and i may not be able to put chili flakes on my greasy, buttery, salty popcorn anymore, but i can still strut my long legs around korea.

let's just hope i dont get hit by a bus crossing jongno street.