cities made of ashes.

man, today was a day meant for all things illegal.  except that all things illegal are really, really illegal in korea and are, therefore, really illegal (not to mention, impossible) to get.  motherfucker, i was a shit teacher today.  yesterday was monday and i was a rockstar.  today is a tuesday and i was far less than decent.  far from even being mediocre.  i found myself being explaining something to my classes, yet while i was talking, i was thinking, 'god i suck i should just say fuck it and tell them to read the book they'd get more from it than me god i suck i should just go home.'  when i have this little mental tantrums in class, i always fear that i will actually say the aforementioned schpeel to my students, whose eyes would meet mine with looks of bewilderment and utter confusion.  sometimes i just want to say, 'talk in english i dont give a shit what you talk about just talk in english ok thank you.'

i think im getting sick.  its quarter past 4 and i think i want to take a shower and just go to sleep.  end the day.  i pity the students who have me as a teacher.  english?  what is that?  i cant teach that.  blah blah blah.  english?  english who?  is that someone's name?  someone i hate, i bet.

i watch the nbc nightly news.  my eyes are met with confusion and bewilderment.  i read the nytimes.  my eyes, again, do not know what they read.  i wonder what i will do.  this crisis is global.  i have a job in the midst of it all.  i have job security.  if i want to stay a second year, i can.  if i go back to the states, i will have no job.  the only way i will go back is for education.  i cannot find a job.  do i stay in korea?  do i move to japan in a few months?  south america?  do i just say fuck it and blow the money i've saved traveling the world while flights and lodging is relatively inexpensive?  

mon dieu.

how the hell did we get into this mess?

84 days til spain.

two words.

fuck yeah.