frozen air surrounds your eyes

oh contemplative self, please be silent.

after a rather lovely lunar new year's day with good friends, good food, and good films (some may agree, darling, with my thorough enjoyment of tom green), i felt a sudden strange anxiety.  i whipped around my apartment, cleaning and organizing, trying to remember everything that needed to be done, creating a to-do list for tomorrow, pondering the source of my craze.  i stepped out on my balcony for a few moments, trying to gather myself, as i quite detest when i feel at unease.  

like the global economy, i am in a transition period.  done with uni and working halfway around the world, i search for the words to describe what i feel.  there really are none.  a chapter of my life has closed and i am somewhat anticipating what will occur next.  this is not like me.  i am a 'let's live in the moment/walt whitman' kind of girl.  i have been in korea for three and a half months, yet i am beginning to itch to leave.  not because it is bad, not because i dislike it, but because this is who i am.  i do not like to let myself get too comfortable in a place, preferring to scare the hell out of myself, experiencing all that i can.  

i had a lovely chat with a good friend today.  he is experiencing what i felt last year; the not knowing what will happen next, the 'what do i do oh my god im graduating college and can do what i want but what do i do with myself' anxiety.  it sucked, but now i am feeling a bit milder form of the same thing.  and so i wonder, does this ever go away?  does one eventually just stop wondering what is next, thinking 'this is it,' and live the rest of one's days knowing that each will be like the one before?

and then suddenly, all i wanted was to talk to one person.  one person that i used to talk to in depth about this sort of thing.  quite bizarre, really, as i haven't spoken to this person on a phone in months, hardly online, either, since ive been in korea.

strange.  living abroad is weird.  the highs are so high and really quite frequent, but then there are the not so high times when you just sit back, stare at the flame of a candle, and wonder 'what the fuck am i doing?'

what the fuck will i do?

je ne sais pas.  et je ne vais jamais savoir, parce que tous les temps, tous les choses, tous changent.  je change.