i am in repair.

as of late, ive been in a bit of a funk.  i feel stuck.  i feel restless, wanting and craving change.  i told this to carla today on our way to ewha to do some shopping for shit i certainly didn't need.

'when is your birthday?' dear carla asked.

'july 2, 1985,' i responded.

'you are a number 5,' she said, after adding up the digits.  'that means you love to travel and you do not like to feel like you are stuck in one place.  you need to feel freedom.'

'well that explains it.'

according to the facebook numerology application, "having a life path number of 5 makes you a keep traveler with a love for freedom.  change is good in your life and is something you strive for.  your heightened curiosity, and love of life, keeps you on the move.  although, you are sometimes perceived as lacking discipline.'

i'm not sure if this could be more correct.  i remember preparing for business interviews a couple years ago and i consulted skeez about what to say about my strengths and weaknesses.  one weakness that she suggested for me was that i am very interested in a wide array of things and that it may look as though i am scattered.  

perhaps i am on the move, curious for what i want to do with my life and with whom i want to spend it.  i will feel an itching to move until i find these answers.  and as for now, fuck i have nine more months of korea.  in the grand scheme of things, it's not really being stuck.  but in the short term, AHHHHHHH.

i also told carla that i've been having strange dreams about cats lately.  i had a dream the other night that a cat was meowing outside my door and that when i went to peek out and see what it was doing, i found that it was in a box that had a note written on it for me to take the cat and love it forever.  i brought the cat in and played with it and made it my own.  the cat was orange.

i woke up this morning at 5:30 to what sounded like a baby being mauled by a giant tiger.  i realized one of the parties was a cat with a really wretched meow.  it sounded like a baby was crying bloody murder and then the cat would respond with a miserable yelp.  i put on clothes and shoes and took my flashlight to peer outside to see if there really was a baby being mauled to death by a cat.  of course the noises ended when i walked outside, but returned when i came back inside.  i peeked out again and they continued.  i could not locate the source, but decided that there was no baby involved, just two hungry, angry cats.

i took a nap this morning.  i dreamt that one of the yelping cats snuck into my apartment and was trying to attack me and give me rabies.  i dreamt that it jumped onto my bed, which felt incredibly real, forcing me to wake up.  

i told this to carla, too.  she sent me the following: "to see a cat in your dream symbolizes an independent spirit, feminine sexuality, creativity, and power.  it also represents misfortune and bad luck.  the cat could indicate that someone is being deceitful or treacherous toward you.  if the cat is aggressive, then it suggests that you are having problems with the feminine aspect of yourself."

well fantastic.  i am clearly having a problem with some female aspect of myself.  

maybe i should pretend to be korean and go get fake boobs.

i hate when i feel like this.  stuck in a rut that you just can't seem to climb out of.  i always do, but when im in it, man, it's shit.