i had to cover saturday classes for a fellow teacher today. i happily offered to teach his classes, as i was unable to get saturday classes cuz of several reasons that we will not get into, for that is not the point of this post. as this was the only day i would be covering his classes, i opted to be as lazy as possible with regard to preparation. i picked up an article that another teacher had prepared, complete with vocabulary, definitions, and discussion questions. i figured that i could do this article four times and be done. bada bing, bada boom, finishie.
the article was about an american teenager who sailed around the world in 13 months by himself. the article was a quick read and we were left with at least 30 minutes to discuss the questions in groups. the teenager made a comment in the article how 'teenagers are put into a box where they are expected to just go to high school and play football, nothing more.' the things is, in korea, it's pretty much opposite. teenagers are expected to study day and night. that is all they do. after telling my students that it was completely different in america, they were in awe. they must have then and there decided that i was really a stupid person because i only went to high school for seven hours a day, rather than the 16 to 18 that is typical of a korean high school student.
we took the last few minutes of class to discuss a couple issues as a whole class. i asked how the students felt about korean society and if they would want to have done this sort of thing in high school. i asked if they liked having to study constantly. they told me that they just kind of accepted it, that they didn't have much of a choice in the matter, that they, ultimately, didn't really know it to be any other way. i asked if they thought that all this studying was worth it and if they thought it would change. a girl raised her hand. 'it can't change because everyone does it. everyone does it, but no one is happy.'
and there stood the purple elephant in the back of the room. the thing that all koreans seem to be thinking, but won't actually say. i didn't know what to say. i rarely am at a loss for words.
later classes told me that they wished that had more opportunities like american students, that american students are more independent because they can get part-time jobs in high school and earn money. koreans get allowances from their parents, but not just in high school. another female student complained that koreans get money from their parents, even after they are married.
my sense of independence is something i never realized was such a privilege, even though it's something i never think about. i could never have fathomed how important a sense of independence would be.
another student told me that a friend of his had studied in america. my student was very jealous of his friend. he talked of how he felt such pressure in korea to get a job of a certain status, to make money, to reach this certain level of success that is deemed by society.
i burst his bubble.
i told him that this wasn't all that different from pressures put on young people in america. about 15 months ago, my father questioned my decision to come to korea, saying that i could make so much more money with my business degree. 'i won't be happy, dad, im not a corporate girl at heart.' and i can't say that i've been completely blissed out in korea, as anyone who is close to me well knows, but it was probably the best decision i could have made about a year ago.
i had expectations in america. expectations of who i had to be, what i had to do with my degree, what i shouldn't do with my life. the expectations of others cluttered my own thinking as to what i thought i wanted. i needed to break free, needed to escape. and i did. i hate to think of myself as escaping from my friends and family, but i needed time to breathe, to live completely on my own, to try to figure stuff out for myself. i think back to my first days in korea. i was so scared. i didn't have a clue what i was doing. i so badly wanted to get on a plane and fly back. i wanted to stay in my cheap love motel room and not face the world.
but i did. and it got better. and i made decisions for myself and decided how to live my life. i did what i wanted and the only expectations and pressure i felt were those i put upon myself. even those demands can be too much sometimes. but at least they are put on by someone who can actually see them through.
thinking back on this past year, as i will return to america in precisely 98 days, i see that it is coming full circle. after the first initial shitty days of culture shock, i fell in love with korea. it was new, exciting, full of adventure and exploration. it was a new world to be discovered. i remember feeling like i just didn't give a fuck about anything. i felt so free. i didn't let things bother me. i taught, i explored, i did what i wanted.
that last for about 10 weeks. and then began a long phase that i would like to call the 'i hate this fucking country and everyone in it' phase. something just changed. it was winter. it was cold. the mornings of leaving my apartment in ugg boots, only to face bitter cold at 5:55 am seemed never-ending. it became monotonous. it became dull. all i did was work. i got wrapped up in this 'bali-bali' lifestyle in korea. i was up and down. i cared too much about little things. i started to resent my students and didn't want to see korean friends, simply because they were korean and i felt too much like i was at work.
and then i went to europe. i refreshed. i realized that it was just work and that it would end and that there was so much more to life than work. it's such a simple concept, but after working constantly for a few months, you begin to forget it. had it not been for that month of vacation, i probably would have quit my job. or i would have knocked an ajouma down into the stream that runs close to my house.
two months have passed since vacation. i hated korea when i returned, having to trade in lovely baguettes and macarons for kimbap and wanna-be dessert rice cake (ill never understand how anyone can enjoy rice cake, it's like chewing on tasteless white goo). but i worked and it sucked, but it brought me two months closer to being done. im in month 10 now, three months to go. and now the cycle continues. im hating korea less these days, finally beginning to understand what makes koreans tick, what makes them do the things they do, and realize that they aren't just stupid, annoying people. that they have a reason for the way they behave and think the way they do. that our systems are very different and our culture has raised us in very different ways.
and im beginning to not give a fuck too much anymore. im simply looking forward to finishing my life here and moving on. im looking forward to go to jeju-do, the philippines, and quite surprisingly, eagle river. i cannot express in words my excitement for christmas. baking cookies, decorating the tree, drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows, wrapping presents, my heart is beating faster just thinking about it. i was listening to some christmas music last night and began to cry because i was so happy to actually be home for christmas for once. i've missed the last two christmases at home, missed the last three thanksgivings. sure, my mother was in paris two christmases ago, but it's not the same. it was more like a nice relaxed meal, but not exactly christmas. it will be so lovely. all i want for christmas is to be at the birch bluff.
and so the circle begins to close. i'm lining up my ducks, getting everything finished, preparing to do the things i want to do in korea, thinking that i may never get back here and need to get stuff accomplished in the event i never come back. and everything seems at peace again. acceptance. i feel like i can leave here without regret, wishing that i hadn't spent time hating it. that time made me see things about myself and helped me to see the differences in cultures that i now better understand. you can't understand something if you only see it positively. sometimes stuff just has to suck for you to get it.
ill never fully understand this place, as im not korean and never will be. but ive had my short glimpse of life here. it's been a crazy ride, one that im certainly glad i took.
and there are no expectations of what lies ahead of me. that is for me to decide.
and that will make all the difference.
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